A new Sims expansion pack was launched this week to universal acclaim, winning plaudits from the entire Sims community. Even Maxis were moved to show their approval with a congratulatory letter from their lawyers.

Something from everyone

German Software giants, ProfiSoft, were said to be "overwhelmed" by the interest in their new product, tipped by Sims analysts to be a surefire winner.

Showcase

Entitled "That's Theft!", the application showcases the work of Sims artists from all over the world. Generously, ProfiSoft have agreed to include material even when the owners have previously withheld or denied permission.

As a bonus, creators are to be paid 0% royalties on their work, although these will be credited in Eurodollars, which are worthless.

"We at ProfiSoft thought it was about time somebody took something out of the Sims community for a change" announced ProfiSoft CEO Max Planck "Far too often it's just give, give give: we sincerely hope that we have moved some way towards changing that."

"Of course we are prepared to profit from this, but only in a strict financial sense. We are proud to be helping the Sims community in this way."

A Maxis spokeswoman heaped praise upon the package, saying "We were especially impressed at the attempt to pass it off as a Maxis package. We wish ProfiSoft every success with their charitable venture."

"And if a court order or something like that should prevent this - well, that's life!"

Geneticist Dr James Hendricks, director of The Human Genome project, announced today that he had successfully cloned punks and skinheads from ancient strands of DNA, some dating from as back as far as 1982.

"We discovered the DNA in some sputum samples donated at a Crass gig in Seattle, sometime around the early Eighties" said the scientist "From this we were able to extract viable punk DNA: as you can see, the results were remarkable"

Dr Hendricks (top left) asks after his car

Punks (Homo mohicans) are thought to have originated in Western Europe during the mid-Seventies, but migrated to the Americas shortly before becoming extinct.

"Several theories exist" continued Dr Hendricks, "Meteor showers, climate change, you know, that old global catastrophe stuff."

"But basically punks had trouble attracting mates, and when the New Romantics (Homo rediculus) came along, that was that. They just weren't pretty enough"

Dr Hendricks plans further work in this area. "I have a theory that Grunge (Homo nirvanas) is a recent cross-species adaptation of Punk, Metal and New Romantic subspecies. With this discovery and some DNA extracted from Simon LeBon, I might just be able to prove it."

The Sim says: "Some things are better left unknown"

Spam: "Unwelcome"

Popular forum contributor Squeegee was today reported to be "dismayed" at the discovery of pink luncheon meat in his meat sandwich, purchased at the General Forum & Diner.

Squeegee (age unknown) immediately alerted the Sims community to this breach of etiquette, reminding them that "The General Forum & Diner rules clearly state that a meat sandwich should contain only 100% meat. This is clearly a processed meat product"

"It is Spam, and therefore unwelcome in this sandwich"

Steve B, proprietor, defended his decision to allow the sandwich to go on sale in the General Forum and Diner.

Spam: 100% meat

"Squeegee is correct, but he should have examined the content more carefully. The fact is, Spam is 100% meat product, a spicy combination of pork shoulder and ham"

"It is entirely appropriate in a meat sandwich context"

When not policing the internet, Squeegee is fully engaged in his hobby of fork-drawer inspection:

"You'd be amazed how many people try to slip a spoon, or even a knife, into the fork drawer" he said.

"When that happens, I'm there to set them straight. In orange writing if possible"

Siskel and Simbert today

The Sim world's best-loved Sim-site reviewing pair, Siskel and Simbert, today celebrated the success of the operation intended to return the downwards movement function to Simbert's thumb.

"It's been a complete success" announced Siskel outside Simsville General today. "Simbert has recovered almost 100% mobility in the downwards direction"

"I give the hospital, its staff and especially the opposing-digit corrective surgery team a big Two Thumbs up!"

Nonsense

Simbert (24) had been diagnosed as suffering from the rare muscular condition known as 'Reviewer's Thumb'.

"It's a progressive disease" explained Dr Richard Lionheart, lead surgeon of the opposing-digit corrective surgery team. "The reviewer becomes less and less able to condemn a website. Eventually, the thumb becomes locked into an upright gesture, making a nonsense of any attempt at critical evaluation"

"The cause? We don't know for sure. But we suspect cross-infection from the banners linking the reviewed site to the reviewer, and vice-versa. It's just asking for trouble, in my opinion."

Siskel & Simbert review The Sim

The Sim wishes Siskel and Simbert
the very best!