Claw admits to indulging in 'Real Life':
Apologises to fans

Webmaster Claw hit the headlines again this week as he admitted to having indulged in 'Real Life', apologising to his fans for not providing 24/7 support on his popular website.

Claw: Confession

Further investigations, prompted by the recent drop in updates at the Seven Deadly Sims site, revealed that a small amount of Real Life was in use. Officer Frank Lee Boring, of the SimCity PD, confirmed recent rumours, saying:

"We must stress that we only found a small amount in the possession of the Webmaster, and he insisted it was for recreational use only. He has posted an apology to all his fans, and we hope that is the end of the matter"

The SimCity PD believes in taking a liberal approach to Webmasters indulging in Real Life, helping them to rehabilitate rather than seeking punishment. Web Liaison Officer Penny Chu told The Sim:

"Being a Webmaster is a high-stress activity and it's only natural that some should turn to natural stimulants such as Real Life. They usually start off with a small dose - taking a nap, or having a bite to eat, for example.

"But pretty soon they're heavy users, taking jobs, raising families or studying at college. We know of one Webmaster who unashamedly admits to Basketball Practice"

Officer Chu: Liberal approach

"In the end, its the fans that suffer. The website gets neglected, and the updates fall off at an alarming rate"

The Sim confirmed this with a visit to Claw's site where recent updates have slowed to a trickle. On this once-busy site we found only the following recent postings:

• around 30 high-quality windows
• a Christmas fireplace
• a snowy pinetree
• and matching shrub
• a snowy gargoyle
• snowy low hedge, an ice sculpture, and a snowy dolphin and pyramid topiary
• and a Christmas poster
• and a new DeathMatch

A sorry and disparate haul, we think you will agree.

"Hopefully, Claw will get his act together in the near-future" said Officer Chu "It would be a tragedy if this flirtation with Real Life affected his productivity"

Claw himself restricted his comments to the following "Hey, didn't you do me last week?"

The Sim says: Remember, a website is for life-
not the other way around

SimCity police officials were yesterday reported to be 'baffled' by recent statistics showing a zero crime rate in secluded Neighbourhood Two.

"Unnatural"

"I've heard of Zero Tolerance, but this is downright unnatural" reported one senior-ranking officer "No burglaries, no fraud, nothing: the last reported offence was littering, and that was in 1993"

Criminal psychologists have suggested that the residents themselves might be responsible for the low crime figures.

"The residents seem to have formed themselves into highly-organised Neighbourhood Watch groups" said one "This might have some impact on the crime figures, but frankly, we're at a loss to explain it"

Tough on litter. Tough on the causes of litter

John Jones, long-standing member of the Justice League of Neighbourhood Two, welcomed the latest crime figures, saying: "The JLN2 is always on the lookout for wrongdoing. Any sign of trouble and we're there. I'm not sure what we're doing right, but we're going to keep on doing it, that's for sure!"

And Kyle Rayner, the youngest League member at 22, confirmed "In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight"

Ted Knight: Stellar performance

The anti-crime ethic even extends to the neighbourhood's retired residents. Ted Knight, longtime member of the Justice Society of Neighbourhood Two, often reminisces about the good old days.

"Me, Alan and the others, we used to scare the heck out of them hooligans" he said "I'm glad the new kids are keeping up our traditions"

Ray: Just a little guy doing his best

And one of those 'new kids' is academic Ray Palmer, who moved to Neighbourhood Two last year. "I lecture in physics at SimVille University" he said "There, everyone leaves it to the security guards. They don't want to get involved"

"When I first moved here I felt involved straight away. It's a good feeling, putting something back into the community. It just goes to show that the little guys can make a difference"

The Sim says: The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
And nowhere more so than Neighbour Two.

Reaper quits Maxis:
Pumpkin fiasco blamed

Sims creators Maxis were today surprised and embarrassed at the sudden walkout of Livin' Large star, The Grim Reaper. The Reaper (age unknown, but probably infinite) cited 'contractual tensions' as responsible for the hasty departure. Maxis were quick to confirm that the Reaper had left "by mutual consent". But sources inside Maxis hinted at a long-standing dispute over the Reaper's role within the organisation.

In a sombre mood, earlier today

"When he signed on, his duties were clearly understood: ferrying souls to the afterlife. It's what he's good at" said one "But then they brought in all that pleading stuff"

"Believe me, if there's one thing he can't stand, it's a whiner"

Herbie Croutons, agent to The Reaper and many other virtual stars, confirmed the rumour.

"The Reaper is a quality act, a real professional. He's worked with all the greats, since way back. All that stuff with the pumpkin over Halloween, it just wasn't respectful, you know?"

"In the end, he just wasn't turning up for work. I mean to say, ringing the doorbell and running away? Please!"

With the Clown acting as a temporary stand-in, speculation in the Sim community is rife: who will replace the Harvester of Souls?

The Sim presents this exclusive guide to the front-runners in "Death Race 2000":

The Alien	For: Good mover, special attacks, scary as hell Against: Egg-planting tendency
The Headless Horseman	For: Good with a blade, supernatural appearance, has own horse Against: Inexperienced in soul-custodial role
Darth Maul	For: Well armed, cross-media merchandising potential Against: Seduced by the Dark Side of The Force
Regis Philbin	For: High recognition factor, 'safe pair of hands' Against: Already tied into lucrative "Millionaire" contract with ABC

As for the Reaper, the future looks bright with a season on 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer' already in the bag. "Those people totally get me" he said "I'm especially looking forward to working with Sarah Michelle Geller" "I've got a cameo appearance on Voyager lined up, and, although I'm not really keen on those Holodeck episodes, I do get to kill Neelix several times"

Cheered up a bit

The Grinch who stole Simbabes by Dr Sue Us

EverySim who
lived Down in SimLane

Liked Simbabes it's true.

And the Grinch,
Who lived just North of SimLane
Did TOO!

The Grinch loved the Simbabes! The whole Simbabes fiction!
But the steps she took next were bound to cause friction.
It could be her heads would have worked out just right.
It could have been "SimGirls! The original site!"

But as it turned out to her eventual sorrow,
The Grinch had a preference to make do and borrow.

"How do they make them so pretty?" she sighed.
"My faces don't work and I've tried and I've tried"
"There must be some way to ensure my success..."

And then came the plan that would soothe her distress.

The Grinch found a Simbabe, downloaded the beauty
And drew some new eyes on the face of the cutie.
The hair was recoloured, from chesnut to rose
(We can only imagine her picking the nose)
"I'll just draw on top!" she said, "What a lark!",

But sadly she left in the old watermark.

Well! Imagine the faces at Simlane next day!
Their lawyers reacted without hint of delay

"Your plan is so clever, it has only one flaw:
It's clearly in breach of the copyright law!
"We really must ask you, we truly insist
That you stop it at once, you must cease and desist!"

"I'm not having that!" said the Grinch "That's not fair!"
"I'm drawing on top, I'm recolouring hair!"
"It's not theft, it's like Warhol and Campbell's Soup Tins"
"So don't go accusing poor me of those sins!"
"I post here a sample of my brand-new face"
"You see? They're quite different, and I rest my case"

Well! You all know the end of the story, I'm sure.
The Simbabes retreated and Simlane closed the store.
The Sims world, for a time, was racked with hysteria
And the cause of it all was a Grinch called Velaria!

But strange to relate, in the passing of time,
The Grinch showed some signs of repenting the crime.
And now all you see on her website today,
Is brand-new designs, I am happy to say.
(Apart from the 'Boyfriends' - now do you suppose
She got that idea from FingerMouse Beaux?)

Outfits and wigs for short Sims and tall:

And she...

...SHE HERSELF...!!
The Grinch made them all!